Trust Issues
The Weight of Trauma & Trust Issues
Hi there! I’m just going to take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Christina and I am a multi-trauma survivor and chronic pain warrior. I chose to start this blog to be a support for those who also struggle with anxiety, depression, PTSD/CPTSD, and/or chronic pain as well as educate those who support and love us. We often feel alone in our own struggles and I want to do my part to change that. I also know what it feels like to feel alone even when you are in a houseful of loved ones who love and support you.
This blog will include what I’ve learned in my own experiences and personal healing journey. My mission is to be an inspiration to those who struggle with similar challenges as I have faced and continue to face in this life.
So- lets dive in with Confession #1- TRUST ISSUES
I’m not even sure where to start with this because this is a battle that I still struggle with. You see, even as I’m typing this I’m questioning if I am making the right decision to talk about trust issues. I have had trust issues from the time I can remember. From a very young age I feel like I’ve always had to watch my back. Maybe it was the witnessing the abuse my father caused on my older siblings and later I was added to the mix when I was “old enough” to endure the pain as well. I believe my first beating was when I was 5-years-old and we lived in Germany. It could also be from my life was in danger as a baby because my mom’s first estranged husband wanted to kill me because I was the affair child. My oldest sister who was 9-years-old had to hide with me in a dark closet and it was her responsibility to not let me cry so he could not find me. No- I don’t remember that, but knowing this story has affected me in ways that I’m not sure I can even begin to explain.
Trust issues continued to escalate the older I got between the abuse, manipulation, the sexual and physical assault, and not having anyone really advocate for me. I was left to “suck it up” and “deal with it” pretty much on my own. All of this happened before I turned 18-years-old. As you can imagine, I didn’t do a great job with healing. I actually did the opposite and I went into denial and avoidance. I wore many masks to hide who I was or what I had been through.
Let’s fast forward to today. I will say that I’ve learned some strategies to help build the trust with myself again that I will share with you.
Be yourself and own your truth- Don’t worry about what people might think about you. I hid my story for a long time about my physical assault. This was not a minor assault either. My physical assault left me with not being able to walk for 3 months with several injuries. I felt like I was forced into silence when it happened and I was embarrassed and held so much shame for a long time. (More to come on this) If people are going to judge you that is on them. It has nothing to do with you.
Be kind to yourself- I am someone who shows a lot of empathy and compassion for others, but I have a hard time showing the same compassion towards myself. It could be because I’m known as one of the “strongest” people that others know. Have you ever heard that? This has been played on repeat throughout the years. Just because we are strong, doesn’t mean we don’t deserve the self-compassion and self-love. A way to start being kind to yourself is reconnecting with that inner child and showing love and compassion.
Build on your strengths- I remember my first intake session in 2018 with my first therapist. We were going over why I was seeking out therapy. I was in a flare with my chronic pain and I can tell my PTSD was heightened. I was explaining about my physical assault and how I have had flare-ups ever since. She asked me some questions on how I viewed myself and I said “I honestly don’t know. I’m just here.” She said that in that brief session we had the first word that popped at her was resilient. She was right. I am resilient and that is a strength of mine as well as empathy. Do you know what your strengths are?
Be decisive- Ok this one I still struggle with from time to time. I have always been indecisive. My hubby will ask “where do you want to go eat?” and I would say “I don’t know” or “I don’t care” but the truth was I do care. I don’t want sushi because I don’t eat sushi. LOL — I have been practicing making decisions and trusting that it will either benefit me or it will teach me something to help me grow as a person.
I’m going to leave you with this last thought.
If you find that you are having trust issues especially with yourself consider talking to a therapist. Sometimes we have hidden unresolved challenges that we need to face and it is ok to seek help.
You can also journal about it as well. You may uncover some surprising truths in writing.
Sending love & light to you
Christina