Guilt/Shame
The Weight of Guilt & Shame: Steps to Overcome Guilt & Shame and Find Healing
Trauma can leave deep scars, not only on our bodies but also on our minds and spirits. One of the most insidious ways it can affect us is through self-blame, shame, and guilt. In this blog, we will delve into these complex emotions, understand their impact, and explore strategies for overcoming them on the journey to healing.
The Weight of Guilt:
Guilt is a heavy burden that trauma survivors often carry with them. It can manifest in various ways, such as feeling responsible for what happened, believing that they could have prevented it, or thinking they somehow deserved the trauma. Speaking from a survivor of a physical assault when she was 17 years old, I still don’t know the reason an acquaintance hurt me the way he did. The stories that have played repeat in my head for all these years I now understand stems from the weight of guilt. The should have, could have, would have taunt me. Understanding that guilt is a natural response to trauma is the first step in dealing with it.
Shame: The Silent Tormentor:
Shame often accompanies guilt and can be even more crippling. It's the feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with you because of the trauma. Survivors might feel dirty, damaged, or unworthy of love and support. Shame can isolate and prevent survivors from seeking the help they need. The shame I felt during the assault and during recovery took me a long time to face and heal. First, I will say that there were witnesses to this assault so I felt embarrassed because I was in a very vulnerable situation and I could not do anything about it. Second, the witnesses didn’t do anything to stop the assault. I did hear one gal yell saying “stop, stop, you’re hurting her.” Third, when I was isolated in the nurses room for weeks until I was strong enough to use crutches, I was alone. I was left alone in my own thoughts. The feeling of dirty, damaged, and unworthy of love and support very much felt real and continued with me throughout the years. I cannot emphasize enough that there is nothing wrong with you. You are not damaged. You are not unworthy of love and support.
Overcoming Self-Blame, Shame, and Guilt:
Self-Compassion:
Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. Recognize that you are not to blame for what happened.
Seek Professional Help:
Consider therapy or counseling to work through your feelings of self-blame, shame, and guilt. A trained therapist can provide a safe space to explore these emotions and help you develop healthier perspectives. Mental Health Professionals have so many tools in their toolbox to help us process these events. One of my favorites is now EMDR. I am also going to recommend one of the books that helped me understand the impacts of trauma which is “The Body Keeps the Score” written by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD
Connect with Supportive Individuals:
Reach out to trusted friends and family who can provide emotional support and validate your feelings. Sharing your experience with understanding people can help relieve the burden of shame. Please note: Not everyone will understand what you are feeling and you may not always get the best responses. If you find this is a repeat experience, please seek professional help because we can often get back into the cycle of “something is wrong with me or I’m broken.”
Journaling:
Write down your thoughts and feelings. Journaling can help you gain clarity, process your emotions, and identify negative thought patterns that contribute to self-blame, shame, and guilt.
Mindfulness and Meditation:
Mindfulness techniques can help you stay in the present moment and reduce rumination about the past. Meditation can promote self-acceptance and self-forgiveness.
Conclusion:
Overcoming self-blame, shame, and guilt is a challenging but essential part of the healing journey after trauma. It's vital to remember that you are not alone in this struggle, and there is hope for a brighter future. Seek professional help and surround yourself with supportive individuals who understand the complexity of trauma responses. By practicing self-compassion and using therapeutic techniques, you can release the chains of self-blame, shame, and guilt, allowing you to move forward toward a life of healing and resilience. You are not defined by your past, and there is a path to reclaiming your sense of self-worth and well-being.